I Am With You, Always
by MetalMusicMania
Summary: Dean has just faced unthinkable tragedy and can't seem to handle the pain of it. He calls for Castiel and extensive healing ensues. This is my first SPN fic, so be gentle. I kind of suck at summaries, but give this one a try I had a lot of fun writing it. Rated M! Warnings inside. R&R please and thank you!


**A/N: This is my first Supernatural Fic ever. It is set some time after season 5, but not any specific season after that. There is a rather explicit (but short) scene of self harm, so if this is a sensitive subject for you, be aware that it is present in this story. I am very nervous about posting this story... I am not sure how it is going to be received, but I am going to go out of my comfort zone and do it anyways. Please feel free to review and let me know how I did with this. If this story turns out to be a success I may write some more SPN fics. The title of the story is taken from a song by Killswitch Engage titled Always. I highly recommend listening to it. I'm not sure why, but it made me think of Dean and Castiel's relationship, maybe you can let me know what you think about that. Anyways, enough rambling on my part... Enjoy the story, -Cayla**

**I Am With You, Always**

The storm was raging outside of the motel room, relentless in its assault of thunder, lightning and rain. Dean's mind raged on also, batting around things that had transpired in his life that caused him insurmountable pain. The word loss was something that Dean knew very well, in fact it became a normal part of his life. He had dealt with the loss of his mother and father which was hard enough to bear in itself, but the one thing he could never manage was the loss of his little brother Sam. He had always been there to protect Sammy from anything and everything, even placing himself in danger to make sure that he would be okay, but nothing could have ever prepared Dean for the moment when he would lose Sam forever.

He tried to push the memories from his mind; the images of Sam saying yes to Lucifer, the look on his face as he disappeared into the pit of Hell clutching on to the body of their brother Adam, he really tried but nothing could stop the pain from ripping through his heart at the incessant memories that kept resurfacing and the guilt that plagued him to no end. So he did the only thing that he could do to try and numb the pain that he was feeling, he pushed himself up from the edge of the motel bed and walked to the table on the other side of the small room and picked up the bottle of untouched whiskey, tore the lid off of it and turned the bottle up downing more than half of it in one large gulp. He relished in the harsh burn that trailed from his throat to settle in his stomach, the warmth spreading through his body that seemed to provide no comfort whatsoever. He placed the bottle back on the table and let out a harsh breath and brought his hands up to run across his face and through his hair roughly, before turning and slamming his fist into the wall.

He hit the wall two more times before his knees gave out and he kneeled on the floor beside the little table. He no longer tried to stop the tears from streaming down his face and he let out a heart wrenching sob before dropping his head into his hands, too overwhelmed with grief and guilt at not being able to protect Sammy to notice the damage that he had done to his hand. He felt the pain radiating up his arm and he pulled his hands away from his face long enough to wipe the tears away and survey the damage to his right extremity. It was swollen and bruised, small amounts of blood leaking around the knuckles and as he pressed his fingers to the injury he drew in a sharp breath of not just pain, but pleasure as well. Maybe it was because he was half drunk, or maybe he just didn't know what else to do but in his moment of weakness he craved more pain.

_I deserve it after all, I couldn't even save Sammy. This pain is nothing compared to what I truly deserve _he thought as he picked himself up from the floor and walked over to his duffel bag where he retrieved his hunting knife. He picked it up and looked at it carefully, running his finger across the blade and letting out a shaky breath as he saw the blood drip from his finger. Instantly he shrugged his leather jacket and plaid over shirt off of his shoulders and sat on the edge of the bed, setting his forearm on his knee and placing the knife against the soft tan flesh. He closed his eyes and held his breath, and when the images of Sam flashed through his mind again he didn't even give it a second thought, he brought the blade down and sliced across the flesh of his arm. His eyes snapped open immediately and he looked down at the large horizontal cut that tainted his skin, he marveled at it and feeling that it wasn't satisfactory enough for him he brought the blade back down to his arm and sliced five more times, each time easing up the pain he felt in his heart until all that was left was a dull throb deep inside of his soul.

He dropped the blade on the floor and fell back on to the mattress as more tears trailed down his face. He closed his eyes and before he could stop himself he began to pray silently. _Cas, I don't know if you can hear me, or if you even still care, but I can't do this anymore. I feel so much pain, and I feel so alone now that… Now that Sammy is gone and I don't know how I can make it through this without you. I… I need you Cas, you are all that I have left. I feel so angry because you left me alone in the darkest time of my life to go deal with those winged dicks, and I want to be mad at you and tell you to just fuck off, but that would leave me with no one and I can't live with that. Please Cas, please I need you… I need you. _With those final words he rolled over and curled into a ball on the bed, tears silently rolling down his cheeks and saturating the blanket and sheets beneath his head.

Lightning flashed from outside and thunder crashed so loud that it shook the room, but nothing seemed to propel Dean from the fetal position on the bed, until the familiar sound of fluttering wings sounded in the room to announce a presence. Dean shot up from the bed and looked around, wiping at his eyes frantically to try and locate the visitor in the darkened room. As the lightning flashed again he saw him, standing in the far corner of the room by the small table. Castiel. Dean moved to the edge of the bed and placed his feet on the floor, waiting and wondering what would happen next. "Hello, Dean." Castiel greeted as he had several times before but this time sounded different than the other times, more solemn, tired and caring than usual and Dean didn't know what to think or how to respond. He brought his hands up and wiped at his face and eyes again, and when he looked back up Castiel was standing directly in front of him, searing blue eyes staring directly at him, at his _soul_. Dean let out a ragged breath and whispered "Cas," as his eyes fell to the floor and more tears began to slowly stream down his face.

Castiel was taken aback by Dean's demeanor and the amount of tension that radiated from his body. As he glimpsed into Dean's soul he noticed that the brightness of it was being clouded over by a blanket of despair, and from the tone of voice Dean conveyed in his prayer Castiel knew that Dean was in dire need of comfort. He knew how Sam's departure from Dean's life had affected him, and he wanted to try and help heal his charge's pain from the inside out. After all, he cared a lot for Dean. He had raised him from perdition, and watched over him constantly from that point on even when Dean was unaware of his presence. Castiel placed his hand on top of Dean's head, unsure of how he would take to the sudden contact but when Dean pushed his head into the touch Castiel began to stroke his hair lightly. "Cas, I can't believe you came" Dean spoke finally, voice rough and wavering through the tears. Castiel cocked his head to the side and his face scrunched up slightly at Dean's words but he still continued to stroke his hair gently.

"Dean I always come when you call, you know that. Even when you aren't aware of my presence I am always watching over you" Castiel's deep gravely voice spoke truthfully as he placed his hand under Dean's chin to lift his eyes to his. Dean's eyes were swollen, red and puffy from the tears but no less beautiful in Castiel's mind and he traced his finger across Dean's face to wipe away the tracks of tears that still littered his face. "I know that you think all of this is your fault Dean, but you have to understand that nothing you might have tried to do could change anything, you would have always ended up right here." Dean's face contorted with pain, both internal and external and he pulled away from Castiel and walked to the table where the rest of the whiskey still sat. He picked it up and downed the rest of the liquid quickly before taking the bottle and throwing it against the wall. "_Goddamnit Cas_! Don't you see? I should have done something instead of standing by idly while Sam… I should have just fucking said yes to Michael and Sam wouldn't be gone, he would still be right here."

Dean was pacing now, the anger he felt radiating off of him in waves. Castiel wasn't sure exactly how to react to the situation, he had came to Dean to try and comfort him and instead had somehow infuriated him in the process. "You don't understand Dean, if you had said yes to Michael you would have died as well." Castiel made his way over to Dean slowly, watching his body language to see if he would lash out at him. "I don't give a fuck Cas! At least Sam would still be here if I had just grown a pair and stepped up to my responsibility." Dean had stopped pacing and was faced away from Castiel, running his good hand through his hair and trying desperately to banish the rest of the tears that threatened to fall down his face. Castiel stopped just a few inches behind Dean, unsure of whether he should touch him or not. Castiel raised his hand and placed it on Dean's shoulder, turning him around to face him. He looked the hunter up and down, noticing the damage inflicted to his body and his eyes instantly conveyed sadness as he realized Dean had done this to himself. He touched the hunter gently and healed his injuries instantly, but he never chastised Dean for what he had done because he knew how badly the hunter's soul was damaged, he had put it back together once after all. His eyes searched Dean's for an answer as to what he should do now and before he could think of the correct action Dean lunged forward and wrapped his arms around Castiel, crushing him to his body and holding onto him for dear life.

Castiel immediately reciprocated the action (albeit awkwardly, but with good intentions nonetheless) placing his hands on Dean's back and rubbing up and down slowly, trying to ease the tension from his body. Dean let out a shaky sigh and a hiccup, moving his face to hide it in the crook of Castiel's neck. He smelled of sunshine, honey, pine needles and something unplaceable but distinctly holy. Dean hummed in approval and snuggled closer to Castiel, bringing his hands up to wrap behind his neck. He was feeling an array of emotions that were overwhelming him; grief, disgust, anger, lust, and above all love. He knew that he had had special feelings for Castiel from the beginning , but he never wanted to bring those feelings to the surface because not only was he uncomfortable with what those feelings meant, but he knew what happened to people like him. They always lost everyone they ever loved or cared about and he did not want to lose Castiel, could not lose Castiel because he _needed_ him. Dean squeezed the angel tighter and pulled back from him enough to look him in the eyes but not enough to break the embrace.

Castiel looked at him intently, head cocked to the side slightly as he waited for Dean to speak, to do anything but pull away from him again. "Cas, I can't lose you too. You are all I have and I refuse to give you up to anyone. I need… I- I love you." And with his admission Dean pulled Castiel's face to his and kissed him. Castiel's eyes went wide for a moment and he stood completely still, taking in what Dean had confessed to him before he became pliant in Dean's embrace and moved his lips against his slowly. Dean traced his tongue along Castiel's bottom lip and when the angel gasped at the new feeling Dean took the initiative and slipped his tongue inside his mouth, slowly massaging Castiel's tongue with his own, trying to help the angel get the hang of how to properly kiss someone. Castiel gasped and let out a soft moan that was swallowed down by Dean and he was instantly hard. He ran his hands through Castiel's dark, messy hair and pulled on it gently as he walked them slowly back to the bed.

When Castiel felt the edge of the bed against the back of his knees he gripped Dean tighter and ran his hands all over his back. Dean pulled away from Castiel's lips to draw in a breath that instantly turned into a hiss as the angel ran his tongue down Dean's neck and attached his lips to his collarbone, sucking at it lightly. "Cas" Dean rasped as he dug his nails into Castiel's hair and bucked his hips against the angel's to get some friction to his aching cock. Dean realized that there were far too many articles of clothing separating their bodies and he immediately went to work on divesting Castiel of his trench coat, navy blazer and tie. He stopped long enough to press his lips to Castiel's again before he started to undo the buttons on his white long sleeved shirt. When Dean finally pulled the shirt from Castiel's shoulders he placed his hands on his chest and ran them down his slender torso slowly, making goosebumps appear on his flesh and a shudder jolt through his body.

"Dean…" Castiel groaned out as he felt Dean grasp his cock through his pants, and he raised his hands up to the hunter's shirt and ripped it from his body as his hips jerked against Dean's hand. "Getting a little impatient there aren't we Cas" Dean panted out as Castiel took an earlobe into his mouth and sucked gently. "Dean, I am feeling a magnitude of different things right now. I cannot seem to process them all at once and it is quite overwhelming, but I… I am enjoying this a lot. I would like to touch more of you." The simple honesty and innocence in Castiel's admission made Dean moan and he quickly removed the rest of their clothing, stopping only to admire Castiel in his naked glory before shoving him down gently on the bed and covering his body with his own. Dean kissed Castiel again, more thorough and passionate than before as he ground his hips against Castiel's slowly creating a delicious friction that made them both moan into each other's mouths.

Dean pulled away from Castiel's lips and looked down at his flushed face that was full of lust and love, his lips parted as harsh breaths escaped them and his eyes screwed tightly shut against the pleasure he was feeling. Dean wanted to make the angel come undone under his touch, wanted him to scream his name in ecstasy more than anything and he began trailing hot, wet kisses down his neck, chest and stomach until he reached his hip bones which he nipped and kissed at until Castiel was writhing beneath him and running his hands through his hair. Dean smirked mischievously and took Castiel's cock into his hand, running his thumb over the tip and smearing the precum over it before blowing on it gently, making Castiel buck his hips forward in anticipation. Dean licked a trail up the underside of Castiel's shaft, eliciting a deep growl from the angel's throat that shot a jolt of electricity to Dean's cock and it twitched in pleasure. The hunter swirled his tongue around the head of Castiel's cock before he took the entire length into his mouth all at once, causing the angel to arch his back off of the bed and cry out as he gripped the sheets tightly.

Dean set a slow pace with his mouth, taking Castiel in as much as possible and using his hand on what he couldn't accommodate and the angel was reduced to a writhing, babbling mess under Dean's ministrations. Castiel began moving his hips, gently fucking into Dean's mouth and moaning louder and louder with each squeeze of Dean's hand, every flick of his tongue and he could feel the heat pooling in his stomach, an unfamiliar feeling of tightness in his balls and he fought for control over it not wanting to succumb to the feelings just yet because this was for Dean after all. "Dean I… I don't know what is happening, but… But I can't fight this feeling much longer" Castiel panted out as the sweat poured from his body. Dean drug his tongue against the underside of Castiel's cock one more time before releasing him completely and crawling back up his body to steal another kiss and Castiel groaned from the lack of contact, but gasped and jerked his face to meet Dean's eyes with bewilderment as he felt the hunter's fingers press against his entrance.

Dean kissed Castiel again and whispered against his lips "Trust me, Cas" and with those words the tension left Castiel's body and he wrapped one hand around his neck and the other he wound through the hunter's hair as Dean began teasing his entrance again. When Dean finally slipped one finger slowly inside of Castiel he whimpered lightly and his muscles tightened around the digit. Dean waited for Castiel to get accustomed to the feeling, and when he felt the angel loosen around him and move against his hand he added another finger and began moving them, scissoring them to gently work the angel open enough. When he added a third finger and pressed them just right Castiel's back arched off the bed and he cried out "Dean!", the sound of his voice matching the thunder still crashing outside as the storm still managed to rage on. When Dean felt that Castiel was prepared enough he gently pulled his fingers from the angel's body, running his hands up and back down his sweat soaked body and then gripping his own throbbing erection to slick it up with Castiel's sweat and his own precum, eliciting a moan from his own lips as he lowered himself over Castiel and kissed him.

"Cas… Are you sure about this? Cause if you're not there's still time to stop, I won't be mad at you if you aren't ready" Dean spoke gently to Castiel, stroking his face and running his hands through the angel's wet hair. "Dean… I want you to claim me as yours, as I have done to you when I first glimpsed your soul in the pit. I… I love you Dean, I just thought you should know that." Castiel's eyes stared into Dean's with such intensity that he thought he may explode on the spot and Dean closed his eyes then, licking his lips and relishing in the fact that the angel reciprocated his feelings. "Ok Cas, you tell me to stop at any time. I don't want to hurt you" Dean whispered against Castiel's ear before licking it slowly. "You won't hurt me Dean, just let me feel you… All of you." Dean let out a shaky breath before reaching between them and placing himself at Castiel's entrance, and as he eased in slowly he glanced up at the angel's face to watch his reaction. Castiel's eyes were shut tightly and his head was thrown completely back as a long groan escaped his lips, and right before Dean sheathed himself completely inside of the angel he cursed out "Fuck, Cas!" as the tight heat of the angel's body constricted around him and pulsated slightly.

Dean remained still for a few moments as he waited for Castiel to give him permission to continue, and when the angel ran his hands down the hunter's back and gripped his ass tightly Dean began to rock his hips slowly, each movement causing gasps and moans to escape both the angel's and hunter's lips. Dean began moving a little faster as he placed his head in the crook of Castiel's neck and licked at the sweat trailing down it, making the angel shiver and moan louder. When Dean raised up slightly and changed the angle of his hips he managed to hit Castiel's prostate with every thrust, and the angel dug his nails into the hunter's back as he cried out broken sentences in Enochian. Dean groaned loudly as he felt the heat pooling in his stomach, the muscles tightening as orgasm threatened to rip through him. He wanted to make sure that they both came at the same time so he grasped Castiel's cock and began stroking it in time with his thrusts, and in the next few minutes Castiel felt the heat explode throughout his body, his back arching completely off of the bed and the hunter's name ripped from his lips with enough force to shatter the light bulbs in the room and over power the thunder that cracked loudly outside, the sound of rustling wings barely audible in the aftermath.

Dean felt Castiel's muscles contract around him, and when the angel raised his hand to place it on the scar that he had given him when he raised him from Hell Dean felt his orgasm rip through his body, his eyes shut tightly as he started to see spots and he cried out "_Oh fuck_, Castiel!" The room seemed to contract and expand and Dean couldn't grasp on to any type of coherent thought as he collapsed on top of the angel, squeezed him tightly and tried to slow his labored breathing. Castiel gripped on to Dean tightly, trying to catch his breath and regain his composure as he wrapped his wings protectively around the hunter and ran his hands up and down his sweat soaked back, still whispering unintelligible sentences in Enochian. When they both finally came down from their highs Dean raised up slightly and kissed Castiel on the lips, finally noticing the wings and he looked down at the angel with wide eyes. "Cas your wings! They're… they're beautiful. Can I… Touch them?" Castiel raised his hand and placed it on Dean's cheek, stroking it lightly before answering him.

"Dean, I am yours. All of me including my wings desire to be touched by you." The hunter smiled at Castiel before bringing a hand up slowly to touch the angel's right wing. As he ran his fingers through the jet black wing it shuddered along with Castiel, and he let out a soft moan from the contact. Dean slowly touched the silky feathers, petting it gently as he watched Castiel's expressions of ecstasy. The hunter raised his other hand up and grasped the feathers of the angel's left wing and pulled on them just enough to elicit a gasp and a hiss of "Yes!" escaped Castiel's lips. _Ill definitely have to remember this for next time _Dean thought as he wrapped his hands around the angel and pulled him close, resting his head on Castiel's chest and sighing contently as the large black wings wrapped around them once again. "Cas… I feel so different now. I'm stilll hurting inside, but when I'm with you its like I can handle the pain, like you rip out the darkness constricting around my heart. I can't make it without you, Cas, I need you in my life to keep the pain away. I know its cliché and extremely pathetic to say but I'm afraid I'll kill myself if I can't keep you here."

"I will never leave you Dean. From the moment I gripped you tight in Hell I knew that you were special. Special to the world, and special to me. You make me feel things that I should never feel as an angel, Dean. It is extremely difficult for me to understand these new sensations, and at some points overwhelming for me to try and process this all but I do know one thing for sure Dean…" Castiel stroked the hunter's back and squeezed him a little tighter. "Wha's that Cas?" Dean asked, suddenly exhausted and on the verge of sleep. "I know that I will never leave you Dean, I can never leave you. Dean I think… I think I may be in love with you." Dean gasped and snapped his head up to look into Castiel's eyes, the look of utter shock upon his face. His green eyes searched into the angel's never ending cerulean stare, looking for some sort of clue to tell him that what Castiel had said was true, and the angel placed a hand on his cheek and leaned in to kiss him as he placed his other hand on the hand print he had left on Dean's skin, sending electricity through the hunter's body the minute their skin touched.

Dean sucked in a breath and grabbed Castiel tighter, kissing him on the neck. "Cas, I love you. I think I've always loved you, I just couldn't admit it to myself and I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to tell you that." Castiel kissed the top of Dean's head and and sighed. "I know that it has taken a lot for you to say how you feel Dean and it means a lot to me that you have finally opened up to me but there is no need for apology, I've always known how you feel about me I just wanted to give you time to admit it to yourself. Now sleep Dean, I will watch over you." Dean nodded and snuggled in closer to Castiel as he asked "Will you still be here in the morning Cas?" The angel let out a huff of air that sounded like a tiny laugh and nodded against the top of Dean's head, "I am with you always, Dean. Remember that."

**_FIN_**


End file.
